Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
