Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
