I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I need moral support for this bender
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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