He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
