how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
