You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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