I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
