After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
