I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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