I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
