when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
