You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
