I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
