My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Randomize
