he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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