didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
