I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
