i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
