She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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