I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
