You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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