At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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