I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize