and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
