You just made me feel so damn special
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you win again, gameday.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
