I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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