dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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