The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
even my farts smell like vagina
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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