I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
