also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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