Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize