Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
