I faked an abortion last night.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
its liver damage thursday
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
