The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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