I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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