I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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