Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
