I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
