THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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