Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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