I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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