I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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