I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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