my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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