I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
