Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize