i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
