I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
