Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Boobs are out for the taking
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize