well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
