I accidentally burped into my bong.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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