He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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