She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
