An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
