on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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