life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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